I would’ve liked to pretend I didn’t hear the alarm. I don’t mean it in the ‘I don’t want to wake up’ way, because of course I don’t want to wake up, no one really does. No… I mean I wish I didn’t hear it, so that way I could just excuse myself. I would say ‘Oops, I fell asleep!’ and leave it there. But no.I heard it perfectly.
I just chose to ignore it.
You know the worst part? I couldn’t even go back to sleep after I turned it off. I fell back into that strange state of mind where time passes in an irregular way while I close my eyes, not really dreaming, but not really experiencing reality either. Just, keeping myself still (or as still as I could be), while once again not going to college.
“Another day lost. That makes it a month, almost.” She speaks to me in whispers, staring from the other side of the room. I try, but I can’t really ignore her while I’m in bed. “Do you think they’ll call, or something?”
I wish they would call me, chastise me for not attending… but deep down I know they won’t. As long as I pay (or my parents pay really) for the ridiculous fee they demand, they couldn’t care any less about what I do with their time. I could be dead for all they care, they’d still charge my parents the rest of the fee even after my corpse is rotting in a box.
“It’s not that they don’t care, but, imagine how many people are going to college at once. Do you think they have infrastructure to police them all?”
I feel another voice stir awake from deep inside. It is angry, not necessarily at her, but at the world.
Sadly, we happen to live in that world.
“They have infrastructure to charge them all though, don’t they!?”
“Just… shut up.” I try to speak up, only to be pushed by the voice once more.
“For that matter, why are we asking for a special treatment? Are we really that desperate for attention of any kind? Do we really need it so badly? Selfish asshole…”
Do I really do this because I want to be reprimanded? No… but I wish they did anyway. I wish my parents did, too.
“They would if you stopped lying. If you just told them straight up ‘I am not going to college, I spend my days on my bed, eating, wasting time and nothing more’.”
“...They wouldn’t, though.” She sighs. “They would feel betrayed, yes, but they wouldn’t hold it against you. They would understand, and receive you back home.”
But doesn’t that make it worse? Knowing that they will hug me, pamper me, even if I am being the biggest asshole in fucking Wohl…?
“What, are you going to complain because you have it too good? Your parents love you too much? Insensitive prick. Die. Drop dead this instant.”
“That’s not what they mean…”
“That’s totally what he means.”
I flinch. Why does that hurt so much? When I say it like that… it’s the truth and yet, it hurts so deeply. It makes me stir and try to find a better position to actually sleep in. At least this silences me for a moment.
“You are doing your best.”
I finally stop moving and let out a deep sigh. No, I am not. I am doing nothing at all. Soon enough, I hear myself again.
“You’ve gained weight.”
“That’s just gratuitous.”
“It’s true though. Eating trash all day has ruined your already bad physique. Remember when Preston saw you in school and was appalled by how fat you were back then? What would he say now?”
“To Hell with Preston. Who cares what he’d say?”
“Back in the day, Maria said that you would be handsome if only you took more care of yourself. What would she say now?”
Silence. I take a sharp breath in and cling to my bedsheets.
“I guess it doesn’t matter anyways. After all… in a matter of years, we’ll die.”
“Don’t get nihilistic. It’s a long time until then. Three times the life we’ve lived so far. Can you imagine that? We’ve lived for only a fourth of our lifespan!”
“And then, death.”
“Look at you, edgy bastard. What, are you going to start quoting Nietzsche next?”
“I am not being nihilistic, I am afraid, you ignorant idiot! What, do you think there’ll be an afterlife or something after we kick the bucket!? Get real!”
I catch my breathing getting faster. I open my eyes and stand up quickly, my hands going to squeeze and sink my nails in my arms. Before it finally goes away, I manage to catch that last phrase.
“No matter how long you want to make it, time will run out. And then… infinite unconsciousness…”
Now standing, I look around myself. The Sun is brightly shining outside, so much so that rays of its light filter through my blinds. The room is an absolute disaster, my bed is pushed to one side, totally undone, while there’s a growing pile of clothes at its feet. There’s a desk that I’ve never used since we installed, not too far from my bed… and near the balcony window, my old and broken no-longer-reclinable couch with my computer and some plates resting on it.
“It was an inheritance from graunt Muriel…to think that it would end up here, with us, after so many years of service?”
“...everything breaks down…”
I can feel myself whispering again. I have to find something to do, fast. It’s not hard anyways, considering all the things around me. The plates, the clothes, the filthy floor, the undone bed, my studies…
The college.
Maybe I still have time, maybe I still can run and catch class?
“People will ask you what happened, why you had been gone for so long. We can make up some excuse, don’t worry.” She says. I can feel she’s smiling.
With a faint hope I pick up my phone from the floor… It's 12 o’clock.
“Oh…”
It’s too late to go to any class right now…
“Y-You can probably ask for the notes from someone, and then you can study them and get back on track!”
No…
It’s been a month. The last time I did this, Patricio covered for me so nicely. But not this time, I can’t ask for that many notes and especially can’t ask from Patricio again.
“Maybe someone else?”
Angelica is the same thing, she helped me already. And I know they are bothered by me not going to class… being so lazy…
“Now now, you’re not being lazy! You’re just depressed! I—”
“Shut up.”
I glare at the corner of the room where she should be. A mere shadow, a reflection of a woman I don’t know. A mere faint presence in my mind that refuses to leave. But at least she quiets down when commanded, unlike myself.
I slowly walk over to the no-longer-reclinable chair, putting the plates on the floor and sitting down with my computer open on my lap, quickly tapping away the password. The computer lazily wakes up, fans quickly going crazy from the amount of tabs open. I peruse them one by one, trying to remember what I was thinking last night.
Tutorials on how to write for videogames, music videos, old visual novels, the forum I grew up in… nothing interesting right now, really.
“You don’t even participate in VirtualZone anymore. Why even bother checking it out?”
It grounds me a little bit. It makes me feel like I am still part of a community… like I am still just ‘Tav93’.
I can’t help but smile a little. In the forum, and on the internet really, I can just be some random person. Not the model student I used to be, not the burnt out trash I am now. Not Santino, just… Tav.
“Lying to yourself shouldn’t make you feel better. At the end of the day, you’re still Santino.”
“You can be whatever you want to be.”
“No. Not really.”
Not really… I am not brave enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough to really be what I wanna be…
Who I want to be.
Checking the messages used to be so exciting, looking for what the gang was doing. I used to have friends through this medium, you know? I was never especially popular, be it offline or online, but I had my groups of people to talk to… but they all grew up, just like I did.
No one is online in my contact list. They must be studying, working, or doing something more productive with their lives than just wasting away.
Either that or they simply forgot about me.
“They are just busy, don’t worry. It’s not about you!”
“It never is.”
I close my computer and stand up again, opening the way to the balcony and walking out. The fresh air and the light of midday hit me like a truck, forcing me to recoil for a moment before looking out. Saüle is a beautiful locale, full of churches, plazas and parks… too bad I can’t see any of them from here. I just see rows upon rows of old buildings and ugly houses.
My eyes inevitably look down.
Eight floors down.
Before I know it, the balcony access closes behind me. I am back in my room.
“... I have to take my meds.”
I walk over to open my room’s door… I don’t even know why I close it, Venus doesn’t come anymore. I am the only one here…
Slow steps take me out of the room, passing by the door of the bathroom, Venus’ old room, and then to the living room. An ugly pink couch rests there, in front of a TV that hasn’t been turned on since we moved. There’s a table with some creaking wooden chairs too, mementos from when we used to have visits. We were so excited to live alone, together, like grown ups…
“And then you fucked it up.”
With a heavy sigh, I walk over to one of the chairs and pull out my backpack. The notebooks from the last time I went to college are still there, and they stab my heart with guilt the moment I lay eyes on them, but that’s not what I am looking for. In one of the pockets there’s a box of prozac… the doctor said not to take it without food.
But then again… the doctor said many, many things last time we talked.
Box in hand, I walk over to the kitchen. It’s clean, miraculously! But that’s just because I never use it anymore.
“Remember when we used to cook here? It was nice… everyone liked our curry, back in the day. I miss it….”
I miss it too.
Water fills my tall glass, and then I down the pill with some of it.
“Look on the bright side, at least I don’t drink… hah… hahah…”
I can vividly remember how smug I was when comparing myself to others like that.
My pathetic attempts at being positive only hurt me a little more, to be honest. I don’t know why I even try. What, am I trying to say I am better off than a drunkard on the street or something? I quiet down, looking to the floor. These pills never work fast enough.
My stomach rumbles loudly, complaining. It’s almost time for lunch. What should I order today…?
“Maybe we could cook something simple, right?”
It would mean having to clean…
“But it would be fun!”
I do have some money from my allowance. And eating so many burgers and pizza every day will kill me.
“Let’s make curry! Or soup! Or stew! It will be fun, come on!”
No. Something simple. Rice and sausages, that would be enough, and I would finally get to use the sushi rice Venus left on the counter.
“If she finds out you started eating her things she’ll be very mad when she comes back.”
She won’t. Because she won’t come back.
I stop myself before thinking harder about that and quickly go back to my room, pulling out a pair of pants, boxers and a shirt. I still have clean clothes from last time… unironed but clean. I am dressed in a matter of seconds. Then I look into the mirror. Ugh.
The sight of my own body makes me disgusted, really.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself…”
If I could, I would tear myself apart, just to escape from this body. Like a bad skin, just, pulling it off myself…
Before I can keep rambling, I just turn around and look for my keys, walking out of the room and, after a little pacing, confronting the front door with a sigh.
“I’ll just go out, buy stuff, and come back in. Easy enough… maybe it’ll be good. If the guard sees me, he’ll tell Dad that I have been going out. No suspicions…”
Why did Dad have to be friends with the damn guard of this building?
“Probably to make sure you’re safe!”
Guilt pierces my chest again. I ignore it, opening the door and then gently closing it behind myself. WIth another deep breath I put on my headphones and set the cellphone to its maximum volume.
Alright.
Here we go.
I would’ve liked to pretend I didn’t hear the alarm. I don’t mean it in the ‘I don’t want to wake up’ way, because of course I don’t want to wake up, no one really does. No… I mean I wish I didn’t hear it, so that way I could just excuse myself. I would say ‘Oops, I fell asleep!’ and leave it there. But no.I heard it perfectly.
I just chose to ignore it.
You know the worst part? I couldn’t even go back to sleep after I turned it off. I fell back into that strange state of mind where time passes in an irregular way while I close my eyes, not really dreaming, but not really experiencing reality either. Just, keeping myself still (or as still as I could be), while once again not going to college.
“Another day lost. That makes it a month, almost.” She speaks to me in whispers, staring from the other side of the room. I try, but I can’t really ignore her while I’m in bed. “Do you think they’ll call, or something?”
I wish they would call me, chastise me for not attending… but deep down I know they won’t. As long as I pay (or my parents pay really) for the ridiculous fee they demand, they couldn’t care any less about what I do with their time. I could be dead for all they care, they’d still charge my parents the rest of the fee even after my corpse is rotting in a box.
“It’s not that they don’t care, but, imagine how many people are going to college at once. Do you think they have infrastructure to police them all?”
I feel another voice stir awake from deep inside. It is angry, not necessarily at her, but at the world.
Sadly, we happen to live in that world.
“They have infrastructure to charge them all though, don’t they!?”
“Just… shut up.” I try to speak up, only to be pushed by the voice once more.
“For that matter, why are we asking for a special treatment? Are we really that desperate for attention of any kind? Do we really need it so badly? Selfish asshole…”
Do I really do this because I want to be reprimanded? No… but I wish they did anyway. I wish my parents did, too.
“They would if you stopped lying. If you just told them straight up ‘I am not going to college, I spend my days on my bed, eating, wasting time and nothing more’.”
“...They wouldn’t, though.” She sighs. “They would feel betrayed, yes, but they wouldn’t hold it against you. They would understand, and receive you back home.”
But doesn’t that make it worse? Knowing that they will hug me, pamper me, even if I am being the biggest asshole in fucking Wohl…?
“What, are you going to complain because you have it too good? Your parents love you too much? Insensitive prick. Die. Drop dead this instant.”
“That’s not what they mean…”
“That’s totally what he means.”
I flinch. Why does that hurt so much? When I say it like that… it’s the truth and yet, it hurts so deeply. It makes me stir and try to find a better position to actually sleep in. At least this silences me for a moment.
“You are doing your best.”
I finally stop moving and let out a deep sigh. No, I am not. I am doing nothing at all. Soon enough, I hear myself again.
“You’ve gained weight.”
“That’s just gratuitous.”
“It’s true though. Eating trash all day has ruined your already bad physique. Remember when Preston saw you in school and was appalled by how fat you were back then? What would he say now?”
“To Hell with Preston. Who cares what he’d say?”
“Back in the day, Maria said that you would be handsome if only you took more care of yourself. What would she say now?”
Silence. I take a sharp breath in and cling to my bedsheets.
“I guess it doesn’t matter anyways. After all… in a matter of years, we’ll die.”
“Don’t get nihilistic. It’s a long time until then. Three times the life we’ve lived so far. Can you imagine that? We’ve lived for only a fourth of our lifespan!”
“And then, death.”
“Look at you, edgy bastard. What, are you going to start quoting Nietzsche next?”
“I am not being nihilistic, I am afraid, you ignorant idiot! What, do you think there’ll be an afterlife or something after we kick the bucket!? Get real!”
I catch my breathing getting faster. I open my eyes and stand up quickly, my hands going to squeeze and sink my nails in my arms. Before it finally goes away, I manage to catch that last phrase.
“No matter how long you want to make it, time will run out. And then… infinite unconsciousness…”
Now standing, I look around myself. The Sun is brightly shining outside, so much so that rays of its light filter through my blinds. The room is an absolute disaster, my bed is pushed to one side, totally undone, while there’s a growing pile of clothes at its feet. There’s a desk that I’ve never used since we installed, not too far from my bed… and near the balcony window, my old and broken no-longer-reclinable couch with my computer and some plates resting on it.
“It was an inheritance from graunt Muriel…to think that it would end up here, with us, after so many years of service?”
“...everything breaks down…”
I can feel myself whispering again. I have to find something to do, fast. It’s not hard anyways, considering all the things around me. The plates, the clothes, the filthy floor, the undone bed, my studies…
The college.
Maybe I still have time, maybe I still can run and catch class?
“People will ask you what happened, why you had been gone for so long. We can make up some excuse, don’t worry.” She says. I can feel she’s smiling.
With a faint hope I pick up my phone from the floor… It's 12 o’clock.
“Oh…”
It’s too late to go to any class right now…
“Y-You can probably ask for the notes from someone, and then you can study them and get back on track!”
No…
It’s been a month. The last time I did this, Patricio covered for me so nicely. But not this time, I can’t ask for that many notes and especially can’t ask from Patricio again.
“Maybe someone else?”
Angelica is the same thing, she helped me already. And I know they are bothered by me not going to class… being so lazy…
“Now now, you’re not being lazy! You’re just depressed! I—”
“Shut up.”
I glare at the corner of the room where she should be. A mere shadow, a reflection of a woman I don’t know. A mere faint presence in my mind that refuses to leave. But at least she quiets down when commanded, unlike myself.
I slowly walk over to the no-longer-reclinable chair, putting the plates on the floor and sitting down with my computer open on my lap, quickly tapping away the password. The computer lazily wakes up, fans quickly going crazy from the amount of tabs open. I peruse them one by one, trying to remember what I was thinking last night.
Tutorials on how to write for videogames, music videos, old visual novels, the forum I grew up in… nothing interesting right now, really.
“You don’t even participate in VirtualZone anymore. Why even bother checking it out?”
It grounds me a little bit. It makes me feel like I am still part of a community… like I am still just ‘Tav93’.
I can’t help but smile a little. In the forum, and on the internet really, I can just be some random person. Not the model student I used to be, not the burnt out trash I am now. Not Santino, just… Tav.
“Lying to yourself shouldn’t make you feel better. At the end of the day, you’re still Santino.”
“You can be whatever you want to be.”
“No. Not really.”
Not really… I am not brave enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough to really be what I wanna be…
Who I want to be.
Checking the messages used to be so exciting, looking for what the gang was doing. I used to have friends through this medium, you know? I was never especially popular, be it offline or online, but I had my groups of people to talk to… but they all grew up, just like I did.
No one is online in my contact list. They must be studying, working, or doing something more productive with their lives than just wasting away.
Either that or they simply forgot about me.
“They are just busy, don’t worry. It’s not about you!”
“It never is.”
I close my computer and stand up again, opening the way to the balcony and walking out. The fresh air and the light of midday hit me like a truck, forcing me to recoil for a moment before looking out. Saüle is a beautiful locale, full of churches, plazas and parks… too bad I can’t see any of them from here. I just see rows upon rows of old buildings and ugly houses.
My eyes inevitably look down.
Eight floors down.
Before I know it, the balcony access closes behind me. I am back in my room.
“... I have to take my meds.”
I walk over to open my room’s door… I don’t even know why I close it, Venus doesn’t come anymore. I am the only one here…
Slow steps take me out of the room, passing by the door of the bathroom, Venus’ old room, and then to the living room. An ugly pink couch rests there, in front of a TV that hasn’t been turned on since we moved. There’s a table with some creaking wooden chairs too, mementos from when we used to have visits. We were so excited to live alone, together, like grown ups…
“And then you fucked it up.”
With a heavy sigh, I walk over to one of the chairs and pull out my backpack. The notebooks from the last time I went to college are still there, and they stab my heart with guilt the moment I lay eyes on them, but that’s not what I am looking for. In one of the pockets there’s a box of prozac… the doctor said not to take it without food.
But then again… the doctor said many, many things last time we talked.
Box in hand, I walk over to the kitchen. It’s clean, miraculously! But that’s just because I never use it anymore.
“Remember when we used to cook here? It was nice… everyone liked our curry, back in the day. I miss it….”
I miss it too.
Water fills my tall glass, and then I down the pill with some of it.
“Look on the bright side, at least I don’t drink… hah… hahah…”
I can vividly remember how smug I was when comparing myself to others like that.
My pathetic attempts at being positive only hurt me a little more, to be honest. I don’t know why I even try. What, am I trying to say I am better off than a drunkard on the street or something? I quiet down, looking to the floor. These pills never work fast enough.
My stomach rumbles loudly, complaining. It’s almost time for lunch. What should I order today…?
“Maybe we could cook something simple, right?”
It would mean having to clean…
“But it would be fun!”
I do have some money from my allowance. And eating so many burgers and pizza every day will kill me.
“Let’s make curry! Or soup! Or stew! It will be fun, come on!”
No. Something simple. Rice and sausages, that would be enough, and I would finally get to use the sushi rice Venus left on the counter.
“If she finds out you started eating her things she’ll be very mad when she comes back.”
She won’t. Because she won’t come back.
I stop myself before thinking harder about that and quickly go back to my room, pulling out a pair of pants, boxers and a shirt. I still have clean clothes from last time… unironed but clean. I am dressed in a matter of seconds. Then I look into the mirror. Ugh.
The sight of my own body makes me disgusted, really.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself…”
If I could, I would tear myself apart, just to escape from this body. Like a bad skin, just, pulling it off myself…
Before I can keep rambling, I just turn around and look for my keys, walking out of the room and, after a little pacing, confronting the front door with a sigh.
“I’ll just go out, buy stuff, and come back in. Easy enough… maybe it’ll be good. If the guard sees me, he’ll tell Dad that I have been going out. No suspicions…”
Why did Dad have to be friends with the damn guard of this building?
“Probably to make sure you’re safe!”
Guilt pierces my chest again. I ignore it, opening the door and then gently closing it behind myself. WIth another deep breath I put on my headphones and set the cellphone to its maximum volume.
Alright.
Here we go.
