There’s something intimidating about doors. Or at least, I think there should be something intimidating about them. A huge slab of wood meant to keep out everyone except the select few allowed in your home… or, well, the one, flimsy defense you have against the rest of the world.
I’m stalling at this point, just standing in front of my door now that I took as long as I could washing up, getting dressed and pretending I was excited to go out again.
When did I become such an outdoorsy person? During the last month I’ve done nothing but hide from the outside world, looking for one excuse after the other to not go out. Now I think I’ve gone out once every day for the last three days, counting this one.
Am I really getting better at it?
No… I’ve just found excuses to actually go out.
Maybe that’s what stopped me before, feeling like there was no real reason to return to the real world. I am failing college, and I’ve been avoiding my friends all this time… of course, this only feels important to me. The world keeps spinning even if I choose to not participate in it. It doesn’t need me or my contribution…
Again. I am stalling.
…
But I really, really don’t want to do this.
When did I start this whole translation business? Yesterday? And now I have to go out again and risk being found out by my classmates and stuff? Being battered with uncomfortable questions? All for some stupid book that in the end might not even matter at all?
Yeah, sure, magic is real. Big shocker! I am still doubting myself about it to be honest! But how much does that really matter!? Will it change my life for the better? Or for worse? Am I really in position to make this sort of gamble?
“If you really don’t want to go out, then don’t. You can stay and take your time, it doesn’t have to be immediately.”
That’s the problem. It has to be.
This is the first time I’ve felt energetic, curious and actually motivated in a whole month, maybe even more all things considered! What if I lose this momentum? What if I run out of gas?
What if the spark in me really dies out this time?
No. I can’t risk it. I have to go.
“Then go already. Tiresome bitch.”
Alright… Alright…
I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. And after taking my notebook and my cellphone, I push the door open.
Here we go.
The bus is shaking quite a lot as it passes through a particularly bad street, and every bump in the road makes the crowd of people inside bounce around against each other. I made sure to be standing near the exit door, clinging tightly to the bar on the ceiling of this infernal machine and trying my best not to puke out of fear while feeling people pushed and pressed against me.
It was worse when I had to worry about my backpack, back when I still took this same bus to go to college. My belongings were a constant concern, considering how common it is to be robbed these days. One would think “Oh all I am carrying are books and notes, why would anyone want that?”, but trust me, there are some people out there who will take anything for the smallest chance of profit.
“Some of those people need it. Times are hard, especially under rampant capitalism.”
“And some others don’t, they just want money for drugs and such. You can’t just pity your robbers, idiot. Also, stop with the communism bit, it’s not like you actively resist living under capitalism, you slop.”
Sigh. At least right now all I gotta worry about is the cellphone in one pocket, and my notepad in the other.
I keep my eyes to myself during most of the trip, feeling way too anxious to even try to look at anyone in the bus. It’s always been a big fear of mine, what if I look at someone too meaningly and they think I am trying to start a conversation, or worse, they may think I am ogling them or something like that? I don’t want any trouble, so I just look at my feet.
At least, I try to. But then there’s the anxiety about not reaching my destination. I have to keep an eye on the windows to make sure I took the right bus (I hope to the Saints that I did) and to keep track of where in Saüle I am at all times. I want to arrive at the University City, as they call the part of the Central District with all the Colleges, but I don’t want to get out at my college at all. What if anyone recognizes me there?
Hell, what if anyone recognizes me on the bus!?
“No one pays attention to you if you don’t act like a freak. Just keep calm for once in your life, damn it.”
Right. I take another deep breath and close my eyes to try and steady myself. I just need to go to the public Library, and that’s it. Nothing more, I’ve done it before!
“It’s just been a while since you’ve taken public transportation, anyone could lose the habit if they just stop taking buses for a bit!”
Being around people has gotten harder with time, to the point where I even avoid going to the Mall! And that was even before I started flunking college…
Alright, it’s time to press the ‘Stop’ button.
“Don’t press it too much. No one likes an impatient asshole.”
I press it two times and just beg for the driver to hear the loud buzzing. I don’t want to be a bother, I swear… but sometimes I really fear he’s either too focused or too distracted to hear the button pressing.
Luckily for me, this wasn’t the case this time.When the bus stops by the Public Library, I mutter a ‘Thank you’ and quickly move through the people to escape the bus, rubbing my arms a little bit to fight the cold outside. The day is overcast, dark and cold today. Depressing, but too cold to really appreciate that.
“Alright…” I mumble to myself, steeling my determination and walking towards the old square building. My hand goes back into my pocket to start the music, something not too upbeat but, well, energetic enough to keep me going.
Now, let’s go over what I know.
My computer won’t be able to access the link I found. I really hate to admit it, but that ‘Tripolar Edge Router’ may be what I need after all, so with all the pain of my heart, I bought the damn thing. It should arrive tomorrow.
So, to avoid losing momentum and falling back into my rotting ways, I decided to do a bit of field research on the Humiko hints. After all, I still need to find this ‘Elysium’.
My best bet is going for the ‘Golden Symbol’ that could be hidden somewhere in this library. I am not sure if that means ‘Any symbol that happens to be golden’, or ‘a symbol that represents gold’. Putting ‘Golden Symbol’ on Gaggle just gave me the usual pseudo-arcane icons (like Yin Yang, a Fleur de Lis, kanji, even a tetragrammaton!) painted gold, so that wasn’t going to go anywhere.
Now, going into a deeper search, and ignoring the actual symbol for gold in the Periodic Table, I did find a few suspects that I quickly noted before coming here.
When I entered the Library though, I came to quite a considerable problem: the place is huge. It is not even close to some of the biggest libraries in the world or even in Wohl? But Saüle’s Library is a respected and well nurtured institution with plenty of shelves, sections, a second floor and even a basement.
And considering I have to look through every damn nook and cranny, every wall, every shelf? This will take a long while.
I look at my clock: it’s 10 in the morning.
“Can’t we just ask the librarian about Elysium or the symbol?”
“What are you, lazy? You insisted we come here, so now you deal with it. Unless you want to return home already.”
I am certainly tempted to abandon this altogether but… damn it, not now. If I go back home I will just lie down and probably sleep the day away, occasionally waking up to eat trash food! No. I have to keep up, keep determined!
With a deep sigh, I walk to the reception and get ready for a very, very long morning.
Maybe, with some luck, the librarian will know.
“I’ll take a number 3. No pickles, please.”
One in the afternoon, time for lunch.
I really want to stop going to burger joints and actually enjoy some real, nutritious food! But considering I used all my money on that damn router and I am saving my spare change to go back home in a taxi, I just have to settle for the cheapest alternative. It wasn’t the best for me, but it would work in a pinch.
At least I buy from a local place, instead of going for one of the big chains. It makes me feel a little better to contribute to the boycott over their terrible practices.
“Wow. Well done. Let’s hope the manager doesn’t cry over the $4500 empires you didn’t spend on them. How will they ever survive?”
Feeling my heart sink once again, I take a seat at the restaurant’s bar and dig in. The burger is not good, not by any measure, but it is big and fills you well.
… Heheheh.
“Grow up.”
I sigh, taking another bite. The search through the public library was a bust: not only did the librarian know nothing of what I asked, mentioning a symbol carved somewhere in the place only made her suspicious of me! To the point where I could feel her following me with the eyes as I combed the whole place side to side, top to bottom.
Nothing. All I could find carved or doodled in there were dicks, cocks and penises. I hate it here.
Nothing even resembling a meaningful symbol!
“But it is fine. Remember that things may be even easier if you don’t find anything.”
I take another bite and wince. Urgh, pickles…
Carefully I open my burger and, with a grimace, I pull the pickles out and set them on my plate. Perfect, now the rest of my burger will taste weird.
Blergh. Best to focus.
“If it is really that important to find the symbol, that means it has to be hidden but also, you know, findable. It wouldn’t make sense if they put something like that somewhere no one will ever see it.”
I am still not sure what that symbol may mean? I have the theory that it indicates that the librarian, or the people working at the library, are ‘in the know’ or something like that. So yeah, it wouldn’t make sense if it was too well hidden. It should be in a place where people know they have to look, probably a specific section or something like that.
Well, really, this all may really be completely unnecessary after all! Maybe there’s no Elysium in Saüle, and I can just chill at home without a worry!
“Now you’re just saying this because you know the place to look through next, aren’t you?”
Gulp.
There’s more than one Library in the City, but the rest of the libraries are protected by their respective universities. There’s at least five colleges here in Saüle, but the two biggest (and the only ones that allow entry on their libraries to non-students) are Saint Helena’s Sisterhood College… and Saüle University.
My university.
Can’t I just say I failed already and assume there’s no Elysium?
No. I can’t just leave this task half baked.
“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Letting out a sigh, I finish my burger and stand up, slurping what’s left of my soda and then turning right on my heel.
… then I turn again, to grab my platter and throw the stuff properly in the garbage.
Then I turn right around on my heel to exit. It was best to finish this quickly, you know? Rip the band-aid off in one go, instead of just waiting.
If anyone was going to recognize me, so be it. I would just make up excuses for my absence and that’s that. I am pretty good at it.
“It comes with practice.”
I wince. Saints damn it.
The way from the burger joint over to Saüle College is not that long, I have it memorized at this point. Patricio and I used to come there all the time! After a little walk, the smaller buildings give way to the Medicine School, a beautiful white structure that serves as the front and the main entrance to the Campus.
I stop right in front of the arch that gives way into the College Grounds, in front of the College Crest carved on the floor. People say that if you step on it while entering, you will never manage to exit with your degree…
“Didn’t you shamelessly step all over it your first year, huh? You egocentric asshole?”
Another sigh. This place really fills me with dread.
There's the Main Library of the University, overseeing everything in the campus. However, there's also the Engineering, Humanities, Medicine and Law school libraries, which are also open to anyone who wants to visit (not lending books to non-students of course, but that’s enough for me).
With a frown, I am ready to start my search… when I hear a voice again.
“Hey.”
I freeze. My eyes lock on a figure standing right beside me. How long was he there!?
A young man, dark skinned like any other Wohlian, with dark hair combed in the shape of a bowl and big eyes. Patricio, looking a little upset and depressed himself. A part of me immediately worries, what’s up now? What’s with him? … But the problem is: the rest of me is panicking.
“A-Ah. Hey.” I manage to blurt out.
“... How’s it going?” He says. Clearly, he’s just saying this to start the conversation.
“Ah, you know. It’s going.” I say almost immediately, robotically.
“Of course.” He nods.
“... How are you doing? You seem a bit, uh, upset.”
Questioning it only seems to make it worse. The young man stirs in place and frowns, before saying.
“Can we talk for a moment? Or are you busy?”
Saints know I want to say I am busy, and run the fuck away. I am scared, I don’t want to have this talk! What will he say? Is he here to scold me? To tell me we aren’t friends anymore?
I don’t want to do this, I really don’t! I really, really don’t!
“... Sure. I’m not busy.”
“Good, let’s go to the Plate.”
There’s a building, deeper in the campus, that’s perfectly round and happens to hold a cafeteria. That’s ‘The Plate’.
With a nod, we both start walking without even looking at the crest we’re stepping over, uncomfortably looking at each other and then quickly away.
“...How did you do in the midterms?” I say with a worried smile.
“I’m sure I failed most of them.” He said without even blinking.
“Ah… I’m sorry.” Looking down for a moment, I clumsily try to joke around. “I guess it’s good I didn’t take them, eh? I would have failed too … hahaha… hah…”
Paticio wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t laughing in the slightest. I gulp again, deciding to shut up and just… pray.
The Plate was full, it was time for lunch after all. Long lines of people waited for their turn at the cafeteria, while others went to quickly pick one of the tables. Patricio and I go straight for a table, for none of us like the food they serve here. Yet another thing in common that made us connect.
“Such flimsy bonds you have…”
I have to physically restrain myself from grumbling. Once we are sitting, I take a deep breath and look Patricio in the eye. For five seconds. After that I just can’t keep it up, it’s way too much pressure.
“... I am sorry.” He starts with that. I blink.
“What? What for?”
“The other day, I saw you and I pretended not to. I know you noticed.”
“See? It was him.”
I can’t help but feel relieved when he apologizes for this, honestly. I don’t even care about the pressure anymore, I smile a little bit.
“Hey, it’s fine. You’re probably very mad at me…”
“Yes.”
Now that blows the air out of my lungs. I wasn’t expecting such an unequivocal answer.
“Since when does this guy have such guts!? He’s always been a coward, just like you!”
“... I am sorry.” I say, looking down at my hands.
“Don’t avoid it.” He demanded, and I can feel how he glares at me. “I don’t want your apology. Dude, you need to get your life together.”
I slowly look up again, and he continues talking.
“You haven’t come to college in a month, you only talk to us when you need the notes and even if you get them, you don’t come! And look at you! You look terrible!”
“Fatty.”
“You have bags under your eyes, your hair is all greasy… man. Tell me, what’s going on? Is this about Barbie?”
Barbie…
Shit. I totally forgot about her.
How long has it been since we broke up? Two months or so?
Well… the fact that I didn’t even remember tells me a lot about the connection between her and this whole rut.
“No, no. It’s not about her… it’s just.” I sigh, deeply. There’s so much I’d like to explain, so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many… everything! “... I don’t know.”
“You can talk to me, you know? You can tell me what’s wrong! We’re friends!”
Are we?
I wanted to ask, I really did. But no. I am not that cruel, or that much of an ingrate. He’s worried about me… I made him worry. Again.
Why does he still consider me his friend?
“... I am changing careers next semester.” He finally dropped, closing his own eyes. “I am failing this one and I feel like maybe something different will suit me better.”
just like that? Changing without even thinking much!? Can I just do that…?
“I think you should do the same.” Patricio looked me in the eye. “If you feel like you can’t make it, you have to be responsible and do something about it.”
“And admit that we have really failed? That we are as useless as people think!? Never.”
I cling to myself for a moment. I want to say that I’ll do it but… saints damn it. There’s something that stops me.
Is it pride? Do I really still have something as pathetic as pride? After all this time!?
“Have you told your parents that you are not going to the classes, man?”
I have not. I have not and I cannot.
My breathing starts picking up for a second, before I bite down my lower lip and force it to stop. No. I am not having an episode over this. I refuse!
“... Tell me what’s on your mind, dude. I… I really want to see you doing fine.” He said, offering me a smile. “Come on, open up to me.”
Well. For one, I think I have no idea about my gender anymore. I have never been comfortable with myself and these days it’s only gotten worse.
I feel inadequate, useless and completely defeated by college. I excelled in Highschool, and probably peaked there too, but now I am burnt out and broken.
I feel lonely, but at the same time I don’t feel like approaching people. I feel like a nuisance wherever I go and even now I am fighting against my instinct of running away.
I feel like I fucked up my relationship with Venus to a point of no return and I really crave the times where we were inseparable. Same with you, really.
Finally, I just discovered magic is real and our entire understanding of reality may be a complete falsehood! Isn’t that funny, Pat!?
So much I want to say, I feel like the words push against each other in my mouth. Until finally I blurt out.
“... I think I am depressed, Pat.”
“Keep going, you have something there.”
“I am depressed. And I don’t mean ‘sad’, I mean legit fucking grieving. I have no reason to be though. No one is bothering me, I am fine with how things ended with Barbie, and yet I am so fucking depressed all the time man.”
I am tempted, for a moment, to tell him about how I’ve been contemplating my window lately… but no. He’ll think I am just trying to get attention.
“He would not. He clearly cares.”
I am not risking it.
“I have so much shit in my head, I don’t know how to sort it.”
“Have you gone to a psychiatrist?”
“I am taking pills. It’s… working, at times. But still. I have a long way there… and I am not sure if I can take that long way, Pat.”
He looks at me, staring for a good moment as I am doing a great job stopping myself from breaking down into tears right here and now.
“Think about what I told you, dude. Change careers, or take time for yourself back home.”
No way.
“Just, don’t stay home all day, okay? Now you have two weeks to think of what you will do. No matter what, just. Try to get your shit back together.” He said, finally getting up. “I am still your friend. I am mad, but I am still your friend… so, tell me if stuff happens, okay? You can count on me.”
“...Thank you, man.”
He smiles again, and without another word he leaves the building. This was probably too much emotion for him to show. As for me? I am shaking, looking down at my hands. Eventually I get right back on my feet and walk out of the Plate… then out of the campus.
And then into a taxi.
I should feel happy, I should feel relieved. Why do I feel so upset!? Why am I so ungrateful!? My friend supports me and I am sad about it!? I feel guilty…
Fuck this.
I need to sleep.
There’s something intimidating about doors. Or at least, I think there should be something intimidating about them. A huge slab of wood meant to keep out everyone except the select few allowed in your home… or, well, the one, flimsy defense you have against the rest of the world.
I’m stalling at this point, just standing in front of my door now that I took as long as I could washing up, getting dressed and pretending I was excited to go out again.
When did I become such an outdoorsy person? During the last month I’ve done nothing but hide from the outside world, looking for one excuse after the other to not go out. Now I think I’ve gone out once every day for the last three days, counting this one.
Am I really getting better at it?
No… I’ve just found excuses to actually go out.
Maybe that’s what stopped me before, feeling like there was no real reason to return to the real world. I am failing college, and I’ve been avoiding my friends all this time… of course, this only feels important to me. The world keeps spinning even if I choose to not participate in it. It doesn’t need me or my contribution…
Again. I am stalling.
…
But I really, really don’t want to do this.
When did I start this whole translation business? Yesterday? And now I have to go out again and risk being found out by my classmates and stuff? Being battered with uncomfortable questions? All for some stupid book that in the end might not even matter at all?
Yeah, sure, magic is real. Big shocker! I am still doubting myself about it to be honest! But how much does that really matter!? Will it change my life for the better? Or for worse? Am I really in position to make this sort of gamble?
“If you really don’t want to go out, then don’t. You can stay and take your time, it doesn’t have to be immediately.”
That’s the problem. It has to be.
This is the first time I’ve felt energetic, curious and actually motivated in a whole month, maybe even more all things considered! What if I lose this momentum? What if I run out of gas?
What if the spark in me really dies out this time?
No. I can’t risk it. I have to go.
“Then go already. Tiresome bitch.”
Alright… Alright…
I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. And after taking my notebook and my cellphone, I push the door open.
Here we go.
The bus is shaking quite a lot as it passes through a particularly bad street, and every bump in the road makes the crowd of people inside bounce around against each other. I made sure to be standing near the exit door, clinging tightly to the bar on the ceiling of this infernal machine and trying my best not to puke out of fear while feeling people pushed and pressed against me.
It was worse when I had to worry about my backpack, back when I still took this same bus to go to college. My belongings were a constant concern, considering how common it is to be robbed these days. One would think “Oh all I am carrying are books and notes, why would anyone want that?”, but trust me, there are some people out there who will take anything for the smallest chance of profit.
“Some of those people need it. Times are hard, especially under rampant capitalism.”
“And some others don’t, they just want money for drugs and such. You can’t just pity your robbers, idiot. Also, stop with the communism bit, it’s not like you actively resist living under capitalism, you slop.”
Sigh. At least right now all I gotta worry about is the cellphone in one pocket, and my notepad in the other.
I keep my eyes to myself during most of the trip, feeling way too anxious to even try to look at anyone in the bus. It’s always been a big fear of mine, what if I look at someone too meaningly and they think I am trying to start a conversation, or worse, they may think I am ogling them or something like that? I don’t want any trouble, so I just look at my feet.
At least, I try to. But then there’s the anxiety about not reaching my destination. I have to keep an eye on the windows to make sure I took the right bus (I hope to the Saints that I did) and to keep track of where in Saüle I am at all times. I want to arrive at the University City, as they call the part of the Central District with all the Colleges, but I don’t want to get out at my college at all. What if anyone recognizes me there?
Hell, what if anyone recognizes me on the bus!?
“No one pays attention to you if you don’t act like a freak. Just keep calm for once in your life, damn it.”
Right. I take another deep breath and close my eyes to try and steady myself. I just need to go to the public Library, and that’s it. Nothing more, I’ve done it before!
“It’s just been a while since you’ve taken public transportation, anyone could lose the habit if they just stop taking buses for a bit!”
Being around people has gotten harder with time, to the point where I even avoid going to the Mall! And that was even before I started flunking college…
Alright, it’s time to press the ‘Stop’ button.
“Don’t press it too much. No one likes an impatient asshole.”
I press it two times and just beg for the driver to hear the loud buzzing. I don’t want to be a bother, I swear… but sometimes I really fear he’s either too focused or too distracted to hear the button pressing.
Luckily for me, this wasn’t the case this time.When the bus stops by the Public Library, I mutter a ‘Thank you’ and quickly move through the people to escape the bus, rubbing my arms a little bit to fight the cold outside. The day is overcast, dark and cold today. Depressing, but too cold to really appreciate that.
“Alright…” I mumble to myself, steeling my determination and walking towards the old square building. My hand goes back into my pocket to start the music, something not too upbeat but, well, energetic enough to keep me going.
Now, let’s go over what I know.
My computer won’t be able to access the link I found. I really hate to admit it, but that ‘Tripolar Edge Router’ may be what I need after all, so with all the pain of my heart, I bought the damn thing. It should arrive tomorrow.
So, to avoid losing momentum and falling back into my rotting ways, I decided to do a bit of field research on the Humiko hints. After all, I still need to find this ‘Elysium’.
My best bet is going for the ‘Golden Symbol’ that could be hidden somewhere in this library. I am not sure if that means ‘Any symbol that happens to be golden’, or ‘a symbol that represents gold’. Putting ‘Golden Symbol’ on Gaggle just gave me the usual pseudo-arcane icons (like Yin Yang, a Fleur de Lis, kanji, even a tetragrammaton!) painted gold, so that wasn’t going to go anywhere.
Now, going into a deeper search, and ignoring the actual symbol for gold in the Periodic Table, I did find a few suspects that I quickly noted before coming here.
When I entered the Library though, I came to quite a considerable problem: the place is huge. It is not even close to some of the biggest libraries in the world or even in Wohl? But Saüle’s Library is a respected and well nurtured institution with plenty of shelves, sections, a second floor and even a basement.
And considering I have to look through every damn nook and cranny, every wall, every shelf? This will take a long while.
I look at my clock: it’s 10 in the morning.
“Can’t we just ask the librarian about Elysium or the symbol?”
“What are you, lazy? You insisted we come here, so now you deal with it. Unless you want to return home already.”
I am certainly tempted to abandon this altogether but… damn it, not now. If I go back home I will just lie down and probably sleep the day away, occasionally waking up to eat trash food! No. I have to keep up, keep determined!
With a deep sigh, I walk to the reception and get ready for a very, very long morning.
Maybe, with some luck, the librarian will know.
“I’ll take a number 3. No pickles, please.”
One in the afternoon, time for lunch.
I really want to stop going to burger joints and actually enjoy some real, nutritious food! But considering I used all my money on that damn router and I am saving my spare change to go back home in a taxi, I just have to settle for the cheapest alternative. It wasn’t the best for me, but it would work in a pinch.
At least I buy from a local place, instead of going for one of the big chains. It makes me feel a little better to contribute to the boycott over their terrible practices.
“Wow. Well done. Let’s hope the manager doesn’t cry over the $4500 empires you didn’t spend on them. How will they ever survive?”
Feeling my heart sink once again, I take a seat at the restaurant’s bar and dig in. The burger is not good, not by any measure, but it is big and fills you well.
… Heheheh.
“Grow up.”
I sigh, taking another bite. The search through the public library was a bust: not only did the librarian know nothing of what I asked, mentioning a symbol carved somewhere in the place only made her suspicious of me! To the point where I could feel her following me with the eyes as I combed the whole place side to side, top to bottom.
Nothing. All I could find carved or doodled in there were dicks, cocks and penises. I hate it here.
Nothing even resembling a meaningful symbol!
“But it is fine. Remember that things may be even easier if you don’t find anything.”
I take another bite and wince. Urgh, pickles…
Carefully I open my burger and, with a grimace, I pull the pickles out and set them on my plate. Perfect, now the rest of my burger will taste weird.
Blergh. Best to focus.
“If it is really that important to find the symbol, that means it has to be hidden but also, you know, findable. It wouldn’t make sense if they put something like that somewhere no one will ever see it.”
I am still not sure what that symbol may mean? I have the theory that it indicates that the librarian, or the people working at the library, are ‘in the know’ or something like that. So yeah, it wouldn’t make sense if it was too well hidden. It should be in a place where people know they have to look, probably a specific section or something like that.
Well, really, this all may really be completely unnecessary after all! Maybe there’s no Elysium in Saüle, and I can just chill at home without a worry!
“Now you’re just saying this because you know the place to look through next, aren’t you?”
Gulp.
There’s more than one Library in the City, but the rest of the libraries are protected by their respective universities. There’s at least five colleges here in Saüle, but the two biggest (and the only ones that allow entry on their libraries to non-students) are Saint Helena’s Sisterhood College… and Saüle University.
My university.
Can’t I just say I failed already and assume there’s no Elysium?
No. I can’t just leave this task half baked.
“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Letting out a sigh, I finish my burger and stand up, slurping what’s left of my soda and then turning right on my heel.
… then I turn again, to grab my platter and throw the stuff properly in the garbage.
Then I turn right around on my heel to exit. It was best to finish this quickly, you know? Rip the band-aid off in one go, instead of just waiting.
If anyone was going to recognize me, so be it. I would just make up excuses for my absence and that’s that. I am pretty good at it.
“It comes with practice.”
I wince. Saints damn it.
The way from the burger joint over to Saüle College is not that long, I have it memorized at this point. Patricio and I used to come there all the time! After a little walk, the smaller buildings give way to the Medicine School, a beautiful white structure that serves as the front and the main entrance to the Campus.
I stop right in front of the arch that gives way into the College Grounds, in front of the College Crest carved on the floor. People say that if you step on it while entering, you will never manage to exit with your degree…
“Didn’t you shamelessly step all over it your first year, huh? You egocentric asshole?”
Another sigh. This place really fills me with dread.
There's the Main Library of the University, overseeing everything in the campus. However, there's also the Engineering, Humanities, Medicine and Law school libraries, which are also open to anyone who wants to visit (not lending books to non-students of course, but that’s enough for me).
With a frown, I am ready to start my search… when I hear a voice again.
“Hey.”
I freeze. My eyes lock on a figure standing right beside me. How long was he there!?
A young man, dark skinned like any other Wohlian, with dark hair combed in the shape of a bowl and big eyes. Patricio, looking a little upset and depressed himself. A part of me immediately worries, what’s up now? What’s with him? … But the problem is: the rest of me is panicking.
“A-Ah. Hey.” I manage to blurt out.
“... How’s it going?” He says. Clearly, he’s just saying this to start the conversation.
“Ah, you know. It’s going.” I say almost immediately, robotically.
“Of course.” He nods.
“... How are you doing? You seem a bit, uh, upset.”
Questioning it only seems to make it worse. The young man stirs in place and frowns, before saying.
“Can we talk for a moment? Or are you busy?”
Saints know I want to say I am busy, and run the fuck away. I am scared, I don’t want to have this talk! What will he say? Is he here to scold me? To tell me we aren’t friends anymore?
I don’t want to do this, I really don’t! I really, really don’t!
“... Sure. I’m not busy.”
“Good, let’s go to the Plate.”
There’s a building, deeper in the campus, that’s perfectly round and happens to hold a cafeteria. That’s ‘The Plate’.
With a nod, we both start walking without even looking at the crest we’re stepping over, uncomfortably looking at each other and then quickly away.
“...How did you do in the midterms?” I say with a worried smile.
“I’m sure I failed most of them.” He said without even blinking.
“Ah… I’m sorry.” Looking down for a moment, I clumsily try to joke around. “I guess it’s good I didn’t take them, eh? I would have failed too … hahaha… hah…”
Paticio wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t laughing in the slightest. I gulp again, deciding to shut up and just… pray.
The Plate was full, it was time for lunch after all. Long lines of people waited for their turn at the cafeteria, while others went to quickly pick one of the tables. Patricio and I go straight for a table, for none of us like the food they serve here. Yet another thing in common that made us connect.
“Such flimsy bonds you have…”
I have to physically restrain myself from grumbling. Once we are sitting, I take a deep breath and look Patricio in the eye. For five seconds. After that I just can’t keep it up, it’s way too much pressure.
“... I am sorry.” He starts with that. I blink.
“What? What for?”
“The other day, I saw you and I pretended not to. I know you noticed.”
“See? It was him.”
I can’t help but feel relieved when he apologizes for this, honestly. I don’t even care about the pressure anymore, I smile a little bit.
“Hey, it’s fine. You’re probably very mad at me…”
“Yes.”
Now that blows the air out of my lungs. I wasn’t expecting such an unequivocal answer.
“Since when does this guy have such guts!? He’s always been a coward, just like you!”
“... I am sorry.” I say, looking down at my hands.
“Don’t avoid it.” He demanded, and I can feel how he glares at me. “I don’t want your apology. Dude, you need to get your life together.”
I slowly look up again, and he continues talking.
“You haven’t come to college in a month, you only talk to us when you need the notes and even if you get them, you don’t come! And look at you! You look terrible!”
“Fatty.”
“You have bags under your eyes, your hair is all greasy… man. Tell me, what’s going on? Is this about Barbie?”
Barbie…
Shit. I totally forgot about her.
How long has it been since we broke up? Two months or so?
Well… the fact that I didn’t even remember tells me a lot about the connection between her and this whole rut.
“No, no. It’s not about her… it’s just.” I sigh, deeply. There’s so much I’d like to explain, so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many… everything! “... I don’t know.”
“You can talk to me, you know? You can tell me what’s wrong! We’re friends!”
Are we?
I wanted to ask, I really did. But no. I am not that cruel, or that much of an ingrate. He’s worried about me… I made him worry. Again.
Why does he still consider me his friend?
“... I am changing careers next semester.” He finally dropped, closing his own eyes. “I am failing this one and I feel like maybe something different will suit me better.”
just like that? Changing without even thinking much!? Can I just do that…?
“I think you should do the same.” Patricio looked me in the eye. “If you feel like you can’t make it, you have to be responsible and do something about it.”
“And admit that we have really failed? That we are as useless as people think!? Never.”
I cling to myself for a moment. I want to say that I’ll do it but… saints damn it. There’s something that stops me.
Is it pride? Do I really still have something as pathetic as pride? After all this time!?
“Have you told your parents that you are not going to the classes, man?”
I have not. I have not and I cannot.
My breathing starts picking up for a second, before I bite down my lower lip and force it to stop. No. I am not having an episode over this. I refuse!
“... Tell me what’s on your mind, dude. I… I really want to see you doing fine.” He said, offering me a smile. “Come on, open up to me.”
Well. For one, I think I have no idea about my gender anymore. I have never been comfortable with myself and these days it’s only gotten worse.
I feel inadequate, useless and completely defeated by college. I excelled in Highschool, and probably peaked there too, but now I am burnt out and broken.
I feel lonely, but at the same time I don’t feel like approaching people. I feel like a nuisance wherever I go and even now I am fighting against my instinct of running away.
I feel like I fucked up my relationship with Venus to a point of no return and I really crave the times where we were inseparable. Same with you, really.
Finally, I just discovered magic is real and our entire understanding of reality may be a complete falsehood! Isn’t that funny, Pat!?
So much I want to say, I feel like the words push against each other in my mouth. Until finally I blurt out.
“... I think I am depressed, Pat.”
“Keep going, you have something there.”
“I am depressed. And I don’t mean ‘sad’, I mean legit fucking grieving. I have no reason to be though. No one is bothering me, I am fine with how things ended with Barbie, and yet I am so fucking depressed all the time man.”
I am tempted, for a moment, to tell him about how I’ve been contemplating my window lately… but no. He’ll think I am just trying to get attention.
“He would not. He clearly cares.”
I am not risking it.
“I have so much shit in my head, I don’t know how to sort it.”
“Have you gone to a psychiatrist?”
“I am taking pills. It’s… working, at times. But still. I have a long way there… and I am not sure if I can take that long way, Pat.”
He looks at me, staring for a good moment as I am doing a great job stopping myself from breaking down into tears right here and now.
“Think about what I told you, dude. Change careers, or take time for yourself back home.”
No way.
“Just, don’t stay home all day, okay? Now you have two weeks to think of what you will do. No matter what, just. Try to get your shit back together.” He said, finally getting up. “I am still your friend. I am mad, but I am still your friend… so, tell me if stuff happens, okay? You can count on me.”
“...Thank you, man.”
He smiles again, and without another word he leaves the building. This was probably too much emotion for him to show. As for me? I am shaking, looking down at my hands. Eventually I get right back on my feet and walk out of the Plate… then out of the campus.
And then into a taxi.
I should feel happy, I should feel relieved. Why do I feel so upset!? Why am I so ungrateful!? My friend supports me and I am sad about it!? I feel guilty…
Fuck this.
I need to sleep.
