“I don't want to…” I said, mumbling to myself as I looked across the courtyard towards the gate. I took a step forward, my eyes still refusing to focus on anything. I began to feel cold water dripping onto my shoulders… ‘rain.’ “I really don't want to,” I said again. My voice cracked as I took yet another step and picked up a small wooden bucket.
The order to march across the open plain to the east and get water from the river may have sounded simple in nature, and I suppose it was. It wasn't easy though especially not if it was going to rain.
There was also technically the danger of monsters. Direwolves and bitterweeds to name a few. In theory, the risk was so low that it didn't matter, but there was still a voice in the back of my mind telling me Mara was hoping I'd get eaten by one of them.
‘This is going to suck… I really don’t want to.’ The phrase repeated itself in my mind over and over again until the guards that were stationed next to the gate stopped me.
“S-Siya…” One of them said in surprise. “You're not going out right now, are you? It's just that…” I looked at him, my eyes finally coming into focus again. His kind face became clear as I stared at him, too tired to have any sort of expression of my own.
The moment I saw him his posture slumped over and I made out his joyous smile, this time clearly forced, instead of genuine. ‘He must be worried… I'm too tired to put on a brave face for him though… ‘
‘Who wouldn't be concerned given the circumstances? A little girl wearing rags, walking barefoot in the cold rain for miles.’ “I've got to go get some water from the river…” I said, rolling my eyes with a smirk. I hated the fact that I had to do it but I had to put my feelings aside. Normally I would just have to turn them off altogether.
The fact that I was going to get through it and survive despite my age and sickly birth made me feel tough though, and I actually kind of liked that. It seemed ironic, but I had to focus on that feeling, if I could do that I knew I would be fine.
“Young miss…” the other guard said, his face matching that of the first. “You know how to deal with any Bitterweeds that show up right… It's starting to rain so more might surface while you're out there.”
“Well… I do know how too… but…” I looked down at my bare feet. They had a crystal in their mouths that you could either crush by stomping on them, or rip out with tools. Either option was easy. They sometimes popped up under foot though… and they had a nasty bite.
“Yeah, guess I wouldn't be too hasty to stomp one without my boots on either…”
‘Aren't they more of a nuisance to gardeners, rather than a real threat? If I end up having to walk a couple miles through mud with an open wound though that wouldn't be good’ I shuddered at the thought.
“Guess I’ll just have to avoid them.” I cracked a smile to let them know I'd be alright, there was no point in complaining to someone who already understood the problems I was facing, and I didn’t want to worry them any more than they already were. It would just make them feel bad that they were so helpless.
They opened the gate and Jerry, the first guard that spoke, walked out with me. “Pst… Siya.” he crouched just around the corner. “It's far too cold out here to walk that far, and I don't like the look of those clouds… I know you have to go so I won't stop you, but take this…” He swung his cloak off and wrapped it around my shoulders, tightening it snugly around my neck. “It isn't all that much, but at least it's something. Oh, and I'll be here when you get back so you should be able to hand it back to me without anyone knowing.”
“But wouldn't people notice?” It was kind of him, but I didn't want to get him in trouble. I didn't earn his cloak after all.
He stood up and raised a finger to his mouth, “I'll just say Efah and Elsie are patching it up.” He paused for a long while before patting me on the shoulder. “I'm… really sorry you feel the way you do, but don't give up yet. You've made it this far haven't you?”
I couldn't help but smile wryly. It was sweet that he was worried, it was far more than I could expect from my family, but I was speaking half-heartedly when I was talking about wanting to die. “Don't worry, even if I wanted to kill myself I'm probably too weak to do even that much.”
I wasn't sure if it was my blunt response or the dark humor behind my statement, but he gave out a small heartfelt laugh as he saw me off. As I walked away I could hear them talking. They were whispering, but my ears were sharp.
“Poor girl… She shouldn't have to live like that.”
“I agree to an extent… But she is getting stronger because of it.”
“I know but, when I think of my little Effah having to go through all that…”
As I walked away the rest turned to faded mumbling. It was kind of him to care, even if it was only because I resembled his own daughter. ‘I wonder if… would he still have done that if he didn't have kids? Probably not. It's odd how people act based on emotions like pity… If I was a boy it's also likely he wouldn't have helped. Hm…. Am I lucky after all?’ I chuckled to myself at just how ridiculous that thought seemed as the cold wind scraped against my skin and I looked to the storm clouds on the horizon where I was headed.
The rain lightly drizzled, but I knew that it wouldn't be long before it began to pour. ‘My body aches… My hair feels like ice… I want to go home… Home, where is that though? Surely not that castle. No, I want to go back to my old life.’
It had been years since I thought about it. My peaceful life. ‘I used to hate the cold so much that I would make my parents heat the house up every morning before I would even leave my bed. I would sleep with 4, sometimes 5 blankets in the winter. My mom would always give me a warm cup of milk every morning too as a bribe to get me out of bed… Mom…’
As thoughts of my past ran through my mind I couldn't help but begin to sniffle, although I couldn't tell if it was from the weather or from me missing home. My eyes began to water as well, but again I told myself it was just the harsh wind agitating them, rather than tears. ‘I wonder if I'll ever find a place like that again…’
The mud splashed as I walked through it, dirtying the bottom of my feet. I could feel the mud squish between my toes and the wind brush through my prickly hair, only to draw my attention to my itchy scalp. As I walked over the final hill and the river came into sight I almost collapsed. ‘I could run back… The storm looks like it's getting worse. If I ran I might be able to beat the worst of it.’
Lightning snapped in my ear striking the river less than a mile away, but I didn’t so much as flinch. ‘If I ran… That's what Mara wants though, isn't it… I'm already doing everything she tells me like a well-trained dog at this point… It might be childish, but I won't run.’
“I don't want to…” I said, mumbling to myself as I looked across the courtyard towards the gate. I took a step forward, my eyes still refusing to focus on anything. I began to feel cold water dripping onto my shoulders… ‘rain.’ “I really don't want to,” I said again. My voice cracked as I took yet another step and picked up a small wooden bucket.
The order to march across the open plain to the east and get water from the river may have sounded simple in nature, and I suppose it was. It wasn't easy though especially not if it was going to rain.
There was also technically the danger of monsters. Direwolves and bitterweeds to name a few. In theory, the risk was so low that it didn't matter, but there was still a voice in the back of my mind telling me Mara was hoping I'd get eaten by one of them.
‘This is going to suck… I really don’t want to.’ The phrase repeated itself in my mind over and over again until the guards that were stationed next to the gate stopped me.
“S-Siya…” One of them said in surprise. “You're not going out right now, are you? It's just that…” I looked at him, my eyes finally coming into focus again. His kind face became clear as I stared at him, too tired to have any sort of expression of my own.
The moment I saw him his posture slumped over and I made out his joyous smile, this time clearly forced, instead of genuine. ‘He must be worried… I'm too tired to put on a brave face for him though… ‘
‘Who wouldn't be concerned given the circumstances? A little girl wearing rags, walking barefoot in the cold rain for miles.’ “I've got to go get some water from the river…” I said, rolling my eyes with a smirk. I hated the fact that I had to do it but I had to put my feelings aside. Normally I would just have to turn them off altogether.
The fact that I was going to get through it and survive despite my age and sickly birth made me feel tough though, and I actually kind of liked that. It seemed ironic, but I had to focus on that feeling, if I could do that I knew I would be fine.
“Young miss…” the other guard said, his face matching that of the first. “You know how to deal with any Bitterweeds that show up right… It's starting to rain so more might surface while you're out there.”
“Well… I do know how too… but…” I looked down at my bare feet. They had a crystal in their mouths that you could either crush by stomping on them, or rip out with tools. Either option was easy. They sometimes popped up under foot though… and they had a nasty bite.
“Yeah, guess I wouldn't be too hasty to stomp one without my boots on either…”
‘Aren't they more of a nuisance to gardeners, rather than a real threat? If I end up having to walk a couple miles through mud with an open wound though that wouldn't be good’ I shuddered at the thought.
“Guess I’ll just have to avoid them.” I cracked a smile to let them know I'd be alright, there was no point in complaining to someone who already understood the problems I was facing, and I didn’t want to worry them any more than they already were. It would just make them feel bad that they were so helpless.
They opened the gate and Jerry, the first guard that spoke, walked out with me. “Pst… Siya.” he crouched just around the corner. “It's far too cold out here to walk that far, and I don't like the look of those clouds… I know you have to go so I won't stop you, but take this…” He swung his cloak off and wrapped it around my shoulders, tightening it snugly around my neck. “It isn't all that much, but at least it's something. Oh, and I'll be here when you get back so you should be able to hand it back to me without anyone knowing.”
“But wouldn't people notice?” It was kind of him, but I didn't want to get him in trouble. I didn't earn his cloak after all.
He stood up and raised a finger to his mouth, “I'll just say Efah and Elsie are patching it up.” He paused for a long while before patting me on the shoulder. “I'm… really sorry you feel the way you do, but don't give up yet. You've made it this far haven't you?”
I couldn't help but smile wryly. It was sweet that he was worried, it was far more than I could expect from my family, but I was speaking half-heartedly when I was talking about wanting to die. “Don't worry, even if I wanted to kill myself I'm probably too weak to do even that much.”
I wasn't sure if it was my blunt response or the dark humor behind my statement, but he gave out a small heartfelt laugh as he saw me off. As I walked away I could hear them talking. They were whispering, but my ears were sharp.
“Poor girl… She shouldn't have to live like that.”
“I agree to an extent… But she is getting stronger because of it.”
“I know but, when I think of my little Effah having to go through all that…”
As I walked away the rest turned to faded mumbling. It was kind of him to care, even if it was only because I resembled his own daughter. ‘I wonder if… would he still have done that if he didn't have kids? Probably not. It's odd how people act based on emotions like pity… If I was a boy it's also likely he wouldn't have helped. Hm…. Am I lucky after all?’ I chuckled to myself at just how ridiculous that thought seemed as the cold wind scraped against my skin and I looked to the storm clouds on the horizon where I was headed.
The rain lightly drizzled, but I knew that it wouldn't be long before it began to pour. ‘My body aches… My hair feels like ice… I want to go home… Home, where is that though? Surely not that castle. No, I want to go back to my old life.’
It had been years since I thought about it. My peaceful life. ‘I used to hate the cold so much that I would make my parents heat the house up every morning before I would even leave my bed. I would sleep with 4, sometimes 5 blankets in the winter. My mom would always give me a warm cup of milk every morning too as a bribe to get me out of bed… Mom…’
As thoughts of my past ran through my mind I couldn't help but begin to sniffle, although I couldn't tell if it was from the weather or from me missing home. My eyes began to water as well, but again I told myself it was just the harsh wind agitating them, rather than tears. ‘I wonder if I'll ever find a place like that again…’
The mud splashed as I walked through it, dirtying the bottom of my feet. I could feel the mud squish between my toes and the wind brush through my prickly hair, only to draw my attention to my itchy scalp. As I walked over the final hill and the river came into sight I almost collapsed. ‘I could run back… The storm looks like it's getting worse. If I ran I might be able to beat the worst of it.’
Lightning snapped in my ear striking the river less than a mile away, but I didn’t so much as flinch. ‘If I ran… That's what Mara wants though, isn't it… I'm already doing everything she tells me like a well-trained dog at this point… It might be childish, but I won't run.’
