Mara's eyes were fierce. The frigid air carried the sound of the harsh winds hitting the outside of the building, and for a moment it was like we were both back in the past 14 years ago.
She stoked the fire, trying to heat up the room more before walking back over. Her eyes pierced straight through me, but she stayed quiet.
‘Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.’ I turned away. She was so close, and even though she was acting differently, my body remembered everything she had done to me. I was uneasy.
She leaned back. “Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”
Chills ran down my arms. ‘She's… sorry?’ I slowly turned back to her.
Her eyes had softened again. “You asked if I hesitated… 14 years ago… You're talking about that scar I gave you?”
I gulped. “Y-yeah…”
She let out a sigh. “I’m not even going to ask how you know you’re actually 14 and not 12, just don’t let anyone know you and Lu aren’t actually twins ok.”
“K…”
She pulled the blankets over my shoulders, tucking them around me. “I had every intention of slicing your neck… Your father really did arrive at the perfect time… It’s never been a stretch for you to think he saved your life, that’s what happened.”
I was more relieved than anything. If I had been wrong about her that whole time I would have felt horrible about the way I acted towards her. I wanted it to be hard for her. I hated the fact that she was able to talk about killing me, and even try to do it without any regret or remorse.
I wanted her to hate herself for it. I wanted it to be hard for her. In the end, because of that alone, I ended up feeling horrible anyway. To want something like that only felt natural, but realizing in turn how cruel it made me sound to myself made my stomach twist in knots.
“How long then…” I muttered my saliva catching in my throat as I tried to swallow.
She tilted her head as her eyes narrowed. “I'm not sure I know what you're asking.”
“How long did you…” My voice became quieter with each word. It was a question I didn't want to ask, and one I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to either.
‘If it was recently, does that makeup for all the time that she had spent rejecting me… And if it wasn't… If she's just been hiding it then what? Would that change anything…’
“You can take your time, Siya.”
I felt chills as she used my name again. She had spent weeks without calling me by name before, and I couldn't count the number of times I had been scolded for hesitating while speaking, but now she was saying I could take my time.
I grabbed a handful of the blankets with my good hand. “How long have you cared about me then…” I couldn't say how she reacted. I was too scared to look, hiding my face under the covers.
“I… Dont know…”
‘She doesn't even know?’ “You don't even know… How could you not know!” I took a deep breath to try and calm down, expecting myself to cry.
Instead, my blood ran cold. I felt completely emotionless. ‘No, it makes sense… She probably spent a long time denying it, even after she started to care about me… She was supposed to kill me after all… It was her duty.’
In a flash, all the anger and sadness I felt had vanished just as quickly as it had built up. In the end, I was left with an empty nothingness. ‘It doesn't even matter, does it? I never expected anything from her in the first place and it’s too late for anything she does to matter.’
She suddenly wrapped her arms around me and held me close to her chest. I wanted to hate it, but as uncomfortable as it was, her body was so warm against my frigid skin.
Still. I thought I would rather be cold. My whole body stiffened. “W-what are you doing…” I tried to push myself away but her grip was too tight, and the moment I used my muscles my arms cried out to stop. “Please let go…” I said stiffly.
‘Since when is she so impulsive? Whatever, if I just ask then-’
“I won't.”
“What! Why not?” A chill ran through me as my whole body finally began to warm up from being so close to her.
“I'm comforting you.” Her voice was calm and cold, the same voice I was so used to, only now it rang with a strange uncertainty.
“I don't feel comforted…” I opened my eyes, looking up at her as she lay next to me. It felt awkward, I was just hoping it would end soon.
“Then I'm comforting myself.” She said, squeezing me tighter until my head rested on her shoulder.
‘I guess this is supposed to be when I tell her I forgive her or some nonsense… Well, maybe if this was a fairy tale.’
I groaned again slightly annoyed. “If you need to be comforted then go hug your pillow, it worked fine for me.” My words protested, but I wasn’t resisting. I felt like a ragdoll.
She squeezed tighter, making my bruised back start to ache a bit.
‘Ah! What’s gotten into her…’
“Whether you like or not this is happening.”
I groaned louder. “Story of my life…” I muttered, finally giving in. There was no point in resisting anyway. I never hugged her back, but I had to admit, that feeling how warm her body was made me want to. Finally, I wasn’t cold. My body temperature finally seemed to return to normal, and I didn’t feel sick.
I slowly relaxed, leaning into her and letting my head rest on her chest. “What about all the times I actually needed to be comforted…” I mumbled, thinking she couldn’t even hear me.
Just as I said, the only comfort I ever had was an old pillow. All I could do was hold it close, thinking of my old family, my sister, and my time with her before she passed away.
‘How many times have I wanted this exact thing… And now that I have it I'm pushing her away… I’m a hypocrite…’
She squeezed me tighter again without saying a word.
‘I don't understand… I don't get it…’ “You've never been there for me before, so why...” I paused my voice going quiet again. “Why now…”
‘It doesn't make any sense, I’ve been far closer to death in the past. It’s not like she hasn’t seen me get beaten up before… What suddenly made her change so much…’
I could feel the hardness and warmth of her muscles. It felt more like I was being squished by a sunkissed boulder than being hugged by a human.
“Because you're my daughter.”
I caught myself smiling before I quickly relaxed my face again. She hadn't just said my name. She didn't just tell me she cared about me, or merely acknowledge that we were related. She said I was HER daughter.
I had never known how much I wanted to hear that. She claimed me as her own. I wasn't just some lost pet, or someone she was forced to take care of. I wasn't just someone her husband wanted her to take care of, or a blood relation she was obligated to care for… I was hers…
Still, no matter how badly I wanted to be happy, no matter how much I wanted to be suddenly filled with joy, I just couldn’t. Instead, it felt like the cold nothingness inside of me was expanding, petrifying me.
‘Nobody stays the same… People change every day… The moment you take your eyes off them they aren’t the same anymore… But that doesn't change who they were… And sometimes that’s just as important…’
I wanted to cry. More than anything I wanted to just let it all out wrapped in her arms, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As warm as she was, I was afraid I would want to forgive her if it continued. “Your arm is right over a bruise… and you’re squeezing too tight, it hurts. Can you please let go now?”
She loosened her grip, finally relenting and letting some distance build between us. In that single moment, it felt like all the warmth I was feeling was sucked away. I was colder than the winter air in both body and mind.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize…” She looked to the side, and for the first time, I saw regret in her eyes. As she stood up again she tucked me in, but I still felt like ice.
Once again I grabbed a handful of blankets, pulling them tight to my chest. “You were the one that gave it to me…”
Her eyes widened and I saw goosebumps appear on her arms for a moment before her brow slowly narrowed. “Do you hate me, Siya?”
‘Hate…’ The word reverberated in my brain, bouncing off the corners of my mind. It was such a strong word. In fact, to me, that word was so strong I would only ever use it to describe my feelings toward one person, and it certainly wasn’t her.
Just like before I tucked myself into a ball. ‘I wonder what answer she’s expecting…’
Mara's eyes were fierce. The frigid air carried the sound of the harsh winds hitting the outside of the building, and for a moment it was like we were both back in the past 14 years ago.
She stoked the fire, trying to heat up the room more before walking back over. Her eyes pierced straight through me, but she stayed quiet.
‘Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.’ I turned away. She was so close, and even though she was acting differently, my body remembered everything she had done to me. I was uneasy.
She leaned back. “Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”
Chills ran down my arms. ‘She's… sorry?’ I slowly turned back to her.
Her eyes had softened again. “You asked if I hesitated… 14 years ago… You're talking about that scar I gave you?”
I gulped. “Y-yeah…”
She let out a sigh. “I’m not even going to ask how you know you’re actually 14 and not 12, just don’t let anyone know you and Lu aren’t actually twins ok.”
“K…”
She pulled the blankets over my shoulders, tucking them around me. “I had every intention of slicing your neck… Your father really did arrive at the perfect time… It’s never been a stretch for you to think he saved your life, that’s what happened.”
I was more relieved than anything. If I had been wrong about her that whole time I would have felt horrible about the way I acted towards her. I wanted it to be hard for her. I hated the fact that she was able to talk about killing me, and even try to do it without any regret or remorse.
I wanted her to hate herself for it. I wanted it to be hard for her. In the end, because of that alone, I ended up feeling horrible anyway. To want something like that only felt natural, but realizing in turn how cruel it made me sound to myself made my stomach twist in knots.
“How long then…” I muttered my saliva catching in my throat as I tried to swallow.
She tilted her head as her eyes narrowed. “I'm not sure I know what you're asking.”
“How long did you…” My voice became quieter with each word. It was a question I didn't want to ask, and one I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to either.
‘If it was recently, does that makeup for all the time that she had spent rejecting me… And if it wasn't… If she's just been hiding it then what? Would that change anything…’
“You can take your time, Siya.”
I felt chills as she used my name again. She had spent weeks without calling me by name before, and I couldn't count the number of times I had been scolded for hesitating while speaking, but now she was saying I could take my time.
I grabbed a handful of the blankets with my good hand. “How long have you cared about me then…” I couldn't say how she reacted. I was too scared to look, hiding my face under the covers.
“I… Dont know…”
‘She doesn't even know?’ “You don't even know… How could you not know!” I took a deep breath to try and calm down, expecting myself to cry.
Instead, my blood ran cold. I felt completely emotionless. ‘No, it makes sense… She probably spent a long time denying it, even after she started to care about me… She was supposed to kill me after all… It was her duty.’
In a flash, all the anger and sadness I felt had vanished just as quickly as it had built up. In the end, I was left with an empty nothingness. ‘It doesn't even matter, does it? I never expected anything from her in the first place and it’s too late for anything she does to matter.’
She suddenly wrapped her arms around me and held me close to her chest. I wanted to hate it, but as uncomfortable as it was, her body was so warm against my frigid skin.
Still. I thought I would rather be cold. My whole body stiffened. “W-what are you doing…” I tried to push myself away but her grip was too tight, and the moment I used my muscles my arms cried out to stop. “Please let go…” I said stiffly.
‘Since when is she so impulsive? Whatever, if I just ask then-’
“I won't.”
“What! Why not?” A chill ran through me as my whole body finally began to warm up from being so close to her.
“I'm comforting you.” Her voice was calm and cold, the same voice I was so used to, only now it rang with a strange uncertainty.
“I don't feel comforted…” I opened my eyes, looking up at her as she lay next to me. It felt awkward, I was just hoping it would end soon.
“Then I'm comforting myself.” She said, squeezing me tighter until my head rested on her shoulder.
‘I guess this is supposed to be when I tell her I forgive her or some nonsense… Well, maybe if this was a fairy tale.’
I groaned again slightly annoyed. “If you need to be comforted then go hug your pillow, it worked fine for me.” My words protested, but I wasn’t resisting. I felt like a ragdoll.
She squeezed tighter, making my bruised back start to ache a bit.
‘Ah! What’s gotten into her…’
“Whether you like or not this is happening.”
I groaned louder. “Story of my life…” I muttered, finally giving in. There was no point in resisting anyway. I never hugged her back, but I had to admit, that feeling how warm her body was made me want to. Finally, I wasn’t cold. My body temperature finally seemed to return to normal, and I didn’t feel sick.
I slowly relaxed, leaning into her and letting my head rest on her chest. “What about all the times I actually needed to be comforted…” I mumbled, thinking she couldn’t even hear me.
Just as I said, the only comfort I ever had was an old pillow. All I could do was hold it close, thinking of my old family, my sister, and my time with her before she passed away.
‘How many times have I wanted this exact thing… And now that I have it I'm pushing her away… I’m a hypocrite…’
She squeezed me tighter again without saying a word.
‘I don't understand… I don't get it…’ “You've never been there for me before, so why...” I paused my voice going quiet again. “Why now…”
‘It doesn't make any sense, I’ve been far closer to death in the past. It’s not like she hasn’t seen me get beaten up before… What suddenly made her change so much…’
I could feel the hardness and warmth of her muscles. It felt more like I was being squished by a sunkissed boulder than being hugged by a human.
“Because you're my daughter.”
I caught myself smiling before I quickly relaxed my face again. She hadn't just said my name. She didn't just tell me she cared about me, or merely acknowledge that we were related. She said I was HER daughter.
I had never known how much I wanted to hear that. She claimed me as her own. I wasn't just some lost pet, or someone she was forced to take care of. I wasn't just someone her husband wanted her to take care of, or a blood relation she was obligated to care for… I was hers…
Still, no matter how badly I wanted to be happy, no matter how much I wanted to be suddenly filled with joy, I just couldn’t. Instead, it felt like the cold nothingness inside of me was expanding, petrifying me.
‘Nobody stays the same… People change every day… The moment you take your eyes off them they aren’t the same anymore… But that doesn't change who they were… And sometimes that’s just as important…’
I wanted to cry. More than anything I wanted to just let it all out wrapped in her arms, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As warm as she was, I was afraid I would want to forgive her if it continued. “Your arm is right over a bruise… and you’re squeezing too tight, it hurts. Can you please let go now?”
She loosened her grip, finally relenting and letting some distance build between us. In that single moment, it felt like all the warmth I was feeling was sucked away. I was colder than the winter air in both body and mind.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize…” She looked to the side, and for the first time, I saw regret in her eyes. As she stood up again she tucked me in, but I still felt like ice.
Once again I grabbed a handful of blankets, pulling them tight to my chest. “You were the one that gave it to me…”
Her eyes widened and I saw goosebumps appear on her arms for a moment before her brow slowly narrowed. “Do you hate me, Siya?”
‘Hate…’ The word reverberated in my brain, bouncing off the corners of my mind. It was such a strong word. In fact, to me, that word was so strong I would only ever use it to describe my feelings toward one person, and it certainly wasn’t her.
Just like before I tucked myself into a ball. ‘I wonder what answer she’s expecting…’
